And so it is...

Friends Only

2009-09-29T12:57:24Z

I don't know what to do. I thought that everything would be better when Scarlett woke up but in some ways it's almost like it's actually worse.

She was screaming and crying when we tried to talk to her. She said that she doesn't think she's really here, and that she's being kept somewhere by the Templar. She thinks they're torturing her in the same way that Tasha was gone all that time. It didn't seem to matter what we said because she won't believe she's not really there. She thinks the only way to get back to the 'real world' is the kill herself in this one.

My parents don't know what she's talking about. They just think she's crazy but we can't really explain. I'm so scared.

The doctors are keeping her sedated because when she wakes up properly she tries to hurt herself. I've never seen her like this before and it scares me so much. Please, can anyone help her?

Posted from mobile

2009-09-25T09:59:25Z

scarletts in surgery at st marys hospital. she tried to kill herself.

Filtered to Nancy

2009-09-13T10:14:03Z

She hasn't really got out of bed. She's not eating and she's not talking and dad is talking about bringing a doctor to check her out. She just lies there and stares at the wall and then sometimes she'll just start crying again.

I don't know what to do.

Filtered to Nancy

2009-09-10T15:13:45Z

Nancy, I'm really worried about Scarlet. The power went out for a minute tonight and Scarlett had some sort of panic attack. She wouldn't stop screaming and crying and she threw up all over James. Mum put her in the shower and she cried for so long, Nancy. And then she just lay there in mum's arms not moving like she wasn't even conscious. She's asleep now I think but she was so scared. Her lights were so scared. I don't know what to do.

Can't take my mind off of you

2009-08-24T03:39:45Z

I had a dream that I was back at the commune in Canada and I was chasing a boy. I couldn't see his face and I don't know who he was, but I was chasing him and even though he was walking I couldn't catch him. I just knew that I needed to get to him. I woke up before I ever did.

I don't need to be too smart to understand what it all means.

I miss Corby. I miss being touched by someone who loves me like that. When he kissed me I knew I was loved sincerely. If I could go back and change what I did...

But there is no going back. And I lost two people because of my own selfish actions.

bear_soul @ 2009-07-27T22:22:00

2009-07-27T10:24:11Z

I don't have tuberculosis any more. I have to still take medicine so it doesn't come back again but I get to be at home at least.

Scarlett's not home yet but I hope soon.

Filtered to those in the know

2009-06-22T13:18:28Z

When I was out with Bear the other day we ran into Marietta. There was nothing bloody or anything, don't worry. But she has a baby now and she treats him like she loves him. I don't known if I should worry that she'll hurt him? Orla loves him too. His name is Heeleo, she said. (I might not have spelled that right though.)

I didn't tell Bear what she was. I sort of avoided that part.

Spectre photos

2009-05-12T12:35:34Z

These are photos that someone from Spectre took of me to go with the album I recorded on. I don't know what these are actually for but they sent me copies and I didn't want to lose them anywhere.

It was very strange to model and I look at these photos and it's a little weird because that's not really what I look like. It looks like they've smoothed my skin out and neatened my hair and maybe made me thinner too. It's a little uncomfortable, but I like them. I don't think I'm ever going to be a 'model'

bear_soul @ 2009-05-06T00:41:00

2009-05-05T12:44:24Z

I'm going to be singing on a rock album that will be in stores and things. It's quite strange since I don't really listen to rock myself. But I was singing as a Dracula Bride which Scarlett told me all about though I haven't read the book. It's very thick and it doesn't sound like my kind of thing. But I enjoyed the singing.

Dad has a job now and he's really happy. I think we all are, because it means there is less worry in the house. Already their lights are less worried. I want them to be only happy.

Filtered to Nancy

2009-04-06T05:21:17Z

I love you

bear_soul @ 2009-03-19T19:52:00

2009-03-19T06:59:50Z

I've been staring at my maths all morning and I can't do it any more. I'm going to go busking instead and hopefully make a little bit of money. I don't want anyone to be worried about me so I'll keep my phone on in my pocket and I'll be at Bright Square if you need to find me.

I have a new song that I wrote a few weeks ago but I haven't actually played yet. I might try it today.

Take your sympathy and shove it
as for the pain,
well, I love it
I'll eat your words
I'll devour your soul
I will laugh like a lemur
as you crawl back into your hole

I won't deny you,
but I'll pay you no heed
And, if you keep stabbing me,
I will probably bleed
But, I'll pretend I'm a cloud
and my rain will surround you
And if you keep hurting me
I'll eventually drown you

And, yes I know
I'm a little bit off

But, you, you can't leave, you can't open the door
you think you're unique but I've seen you before
so run, run away from the fires that burn
you will do this again and again
but you will never learn

So keep looking down
as you crush me keep smiling
'cause I will get up
and there's no denying
that I am one of your punching clowns
you can keep on striking
but you can't keep me down

You always think that you
are fearless and right
but I think that you
are afraid in the night
of the ghosts, of the spirits
that crawl into your head
of the skeletons that'll haunt you
until you're dead

but, now, you can't leave, you can't open the door
you think you're unique but I've seen you before
so run, run away from the fires that burn
you will do this again and again and again and again

but, now, you can't leave, you can't open the door
you think you're unique but I've seen it all before
so run, run away from the fires that burn
but you will never learn
you will never learn
you will never learn

I promise to be back before dark.

bear_soul @ 2009-03-16T01:27:00

2009-03-15T12:29:34Z

I'm glad you're not here, Ava. I don't want you to get sick as well.

Everything is overwhelming and I don't know what to do. I feel lost and confused and scared. The people who are supposed to be the strongest aren't and I can't even turn to Ava to fix it.

Friends Only

2009-02-28T12:58:17Z

I'm glad that Amaris isn't a danger to us any more. We can breathe again now.

I'm sorry about what happened to Thomas. At least he isn't gone for good though because he is with Abby and still here among us. Thomas, what you did was so brave.

Filtered to Miles but then quickly privated

2009-01-24T05:11:31Z

You make me so angry! So angry and so hurt.

You won't even talk to me since you told me how you felt, but you'll talk to any one else. We used to be friends and now you're just being hurtful and petty and cruel. You said you were in love with me but I know now that that cannot be true. No one who loved me could ever be this cruel to me.

bear_soul @ 2009-01-08T22:17:00

2009-01-08T09:20:17Z

The Kensington's are back in London now and so I have my bedroom back at the house and not the guest room at Alexei's.

Scarlett's still in France and she says she doesn't know when she's coming home.

Dad lost his job because he went away which I think it horrible because he really needed that time away. My parents say that they're going to have to really cut back on how much they spend, but I can help I'm sure. I don't use much money and I can try and make more for them by busking. Busking in winter makes less money but I still hope it will make some.

Filtered to Jude and Alexei

2008-12-23T06:12:04Z

Hello, Jude.

Miles invited me to your new year's eve party on the boat as his guest but since my family is in France it doesn't really work. I talked to my mum and dad though and they say that as long as I'm staying with someone like Alexei or Nancy then it would be okay if I came home while they're still in France.

Would it be okay if I stayed there with you and Alexei for a few weeks. I'd really like to come to your party. I've never even been on a boat before. The Kensington's just don't want me to be alone at home.

bear_soul @ 2008-12-12T22:07:00

2008-12-12T09:08:49Z

Mum and dad are taking us all to France for a while. A lot of their friends have died and they say we all need some time away.

We're going to stay with Elise's sister but I don't know for how long.

bear_soul @ 2008-12-04T00:47:00

2008-12-03T11:50:58Z

I'm eighteen now.

Legally I can now go out drinking or to nightclubs. If I happened to like to do those things.

bear_soul @ 2008-11-21T03:53:00

2008-11-20T14:58:54Z

Deirdre, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to join the Rocky Horror Show again? I've decided that I miss it. I miss the singing and dancing and the energy. I'd like to come back and be Janet sometimes if I can?

A man gave me twenty pounds while I was busking today. He told me I'd brightened his cold day just by being out there on his way to work. He was sweet.

bear_soul @ 2008-11-20T00:20:00

2008-11-19T11:23:35Z

They're not as cold and snowy as in Canada, but there is the beautiful fog. Toronto doesn't have fog like that but if you sleep outside in the city you'll wake up wet any way, even if it doesn't rain though.

I miss sleeping in the bus at the commune though. There is nothing more soothing than the sound of snow on the roof as you're going to sleep.

bear_soul @ 2008-11-06T00:40:00

2008-11-05T11:43:27Z

America voted Barack Obama as their president. That's enough to make my proud that I was born American, even if nothing else ever would. I wish him the best of luck. I don't know anything at all about politics but he seems like a good man. I wish I could see him in real life because I can't read lights through television. I'd like to see his.

It's Alexei's birthday today and I have to go to a dress up dinner. I don't know what to wear. Scarlett says I can't go in jeans.

bear_soul @ 2008-10-20T21:12:00

2008-10-20T08:19:03Z

I wish that I was strong enough to protect myself from all the horrible dangers of the world. But in the end I'm just a girl with some weird gifts that are sometimes more trouble than help. Except if I couldn't see lights then maybe I would have gone with 'Raske' and then there'd be no more me any more.

My head is killing me. I feel like someone took a jackhammer to my brain.

Friendslocked

2008-09-27T12:05:35Z

Corby is alive. He was at the Kensington's yesterday but I don't know where he is now.

I'm sorry.

Filtered to Alexei, Scarlett, Nancy and Charlie

2008-09-21T08:10:57Z

I've been cheating on Corby. I've been sleeping with Miles behind his back and the day he burned the house down was just after I'd told him.

I'm so sorry. I'm shit. I know that.

And now because of me he's dead, and Siobhan as well. It's all my fault.

I wanted to say all this in person but I can't bare to see the disappointment and anger and disgust in your lights.

Filtered to Miles, but then privated

2008-09-16T12:33:11Z

I've killed them. I killed Corby and Siobhan.

Nothing is okay. Nothing is... I got them killed, I got them killed. I'm the most disgusting horrible person in the entire world and now they're dead and it's all my fault.